


And There I Stayed

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family Fluff, Flashbacks, Gen, Gender Identity, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-13 10:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12982197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Here." She holds up the tablet, filled with pictures of women. "These are girls." Peridot took it, scrolling through."Are you a girl?" Peridot asks, comparing her to one of the pictures."Gender, whether you're a girl or boy is... difficult for gems. But, I mean, yeah... I'm basically a girl." Amythest scratches her neck, blushing."Am I a girl?" Peridot pauses for a moment. "Is Lapis?"





	1. A Complicated Thing

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: All the negative tags, e.g. PTSD come in in chapter two, so this chapter is clear.

"But Leo and Michelle are adorable together." 

Amythest is currently introducing Peridot to 'Pretty Hairstylist', and while they are heatedly discussing the first chapter, Lapis draws in the corner. She's trying a dusty, gray material called charcoal, after Amythest tried to eat it.

"Based on the first chapter, I believe Leo appears more preferable alone." Peridot pointed out, flipping through the pages.

"What do you mean? Like, he's ace, or somethin'?" Amythest squints, moving to face her on the couch.

"What's 'ace'?" 

Amythest blinks, gathering thoughts.

"Well, .... it means asexual, which, like, means you don't like anybody."

"Isn't that called being rude?" Peridot tilts her head curiously.

Amythest turned bright purple. "No! I mean, no. You, like, you don't like anyone, in like the way that, like, you want to kiss them. You have friends, you just don't want anything more with them."

"This an intriguing subject. What if you do want to kiss people?" Peridot shifted into a more comfortable position, clearly interested.

Amythest paused, realizing this was a complicated conversation. Explaining love, was, simply, impossible. And they're were more crude parts that she needed to avoid.

"That depends on who you want to kiss, and who you are. If you want to kiss a girl and you are a girl, that's homosexual. If a girl wants to kiss a guy, that's heterosexual."

"What's a girl?" 

Shit.

This explanation was going to be hard.

"Oh, um, a girl is a person that wants to wear dresses, and sing, and, but guys can also like that..." Amythest freezes, trying to figure out. "I'll just show you." She grabs Peridot's tablet, looking something up.

"Here." She holds up the tablet, filled with pictures of women. "These are girls." Peridot took it, scrolling through.

"Are you a girl?" Peridot asks, comparing her to one of the pictures.

"Gender, whether you're a girl or boy is... difficult for gems. But, I mean, yeah... I'm basically a girl." Amythest scratches her neck, blushing.

"Am I a girl?" Peridot pauses for a moment. "Is Lapis?"

"Do you want to be a girl? 'Cause that's basically it."

Peridot freezes, staring intently at the screen. 

"Yes! I want to be a girl." She sits up, tablet floating in front of her. "Lap-" She starts, but Lapis is already there. She stands behind the back of the couch, looking at the screen

"So, these are girls?" She says, mildly interested.

"Yep."

"Affirmative."

Lapis stares for a hard moment before shrugging and answering.

"Why not? I'm a girl." 

Peridot and Amythest cheered, and Lapis grabbed the tablet, typing. You could tell she was slow, unused to English letters.

"And this is a guy?" Lapis turns the screen back to them, a picture of a man with dark skin, large muscles, and curly hair looking at them.

"That is." Amythest nodded, and Lapis dropped the tablet, Peridot catching it and floating the device to her hands. Silence fell over them, awkward and thick.

"I was thinking I could show you the temple. I mean, we're always at the barn." Amythest proposes, shrugging and leaning against the back of the couch.

"We are not always at the barn! I have seen the temple! Like, well, three times..." Peridot passionately states, before realizing her arguement doesn't have anything to argue.

"Exactly! And how many times has Lapis seen the Temple?" Amythest glances at the blue gem behind her.

"Does it count when you're in a mirror?" Lapis deadpanned.

"That would be a negative." Amythest giggled, then caught herself, donning a serious expression.

"Then, once? Maybe more in passing." The ocean gem looks at Peridot, who squints.

"Well, then yes, I think this would be a 'fun' activity." Peridot shoot up from the couch, grabbing her tablet and her scarlet Bowtie, sprinting for the door.

"Wait up, Perry. Lapis, could you fly us?" Amythest does puppy dog eyes, but nothing like Steven's precious star eyes.

"I'm not coming." She scoffs. She had been surprised, staring off into space, and was staring at Amythest, cobalt hair wild.

An immediate and consistent roar of pleading rose from the two short girls, Peridot tugging on her arm, Amythest repeating 'Come, Come, Come!' finally broke her, after about a minute.

"She smiled slightly, trying to look mad but failing. "Fine, Okay. I'll join you."

"Yes!"

"Wow, thanks!"

"But we're warping." She glared at them. "I'm not carrying both of you."


	2. Pain Doesn't Fully Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where is everybody?" Peridot asks, frowning at the peace.
> 
> "Pearl is in her room 'paying bills,' Steven is with Greg, Garnet is... somewhere. Probably a quick mission." Amythest shrugs, opening a cupboard.
> 
> "We've arrived, what are we going to do?" Peridot watched as Amythest hopped up on a counter, and downed a entire can in one go.
> 
> She wiped something from her mouth, then burped. "We can go in my room. It's p'etty messy though."

"I'm just saying, if you cou' carry the entire ocean, you could've flied both of us here." Amythest chuckled, then pouting at Lapis.

"I'm just saying, if you cared enough, you would shapeshift into a bird and have flown her." Amythest frowned, rolling her eyes. Peridot gasped, muttering 'roasted' in the quartz's ear, adding insult to injury with her wounded pride.

"And you, Peridot, could have levitated yourself on a trash can lid." The green gem froze, blushing neon green.

"How does it feel to receive such a cleverly planned remark?" Amythest mocked, shapeshifting into Peridot. Except purple.

"Shut up, clod." Peridot crossed her arms, muttering. 

Amythest changed back, before exclaiming, "There! Home, sweet home." She gestures up the hill, where the temple stands, a wooden house nestled in it's arms. Then she runs up, turning around, using spindash up the dune and stairs.

Lapis summons her wings, but at Peridot's face, grabs the small gem and they both go soaring, way too fast. Amythest barely opens the door as they come tumbling in.

They look around, to find the room oddly silent.

"Where is everybody?" Peridot asks, frowning at the peace.

"Pearl is in her room 'paying bills,' Steven is with Greg, Garnet is... somewhere. Probably a quick mission." Amythest shrugs, opening a cupboard.

"We've arrived, what are we going to do?" Peridot watched as Amythest hopped up on a counter, and downed a entire can in one go.

She wiped something from her mouth, then burped. "We can go in my room. It's p'etty messy though."

"Why not." Lapis pushes past them, walking to the door before stopping, waiting for Amythest to open it. She runs up, the door opening with a sticky pop, purple goo dividing it diagonally. Amythest walks in first, then Lapis, followed by a cautious Peridot.

"Have you heard of organization?" Peridot spluttered, taking in the immense area, all soft purple and blue, rivers weaving through seven meter high piles.

The content of the piles themselves were diverse, anywhere from musical instruments, to spoiled food, to animals that eat the food, furniture. 

"How long have you been collecting useless items?" Lapis giggles a little, which surprises everybody.

"Since useless items were invented." Amythest bragged, sticking out her tongue. "Anyway, you can take stuff for 'meep morps' or whatever."

They wandered around a while, Peridot grabbing a lot of the metal objects, while Lapis played with the water, ignoring the items. She formed shapes, flowers, landscapes, the CPH logo. 

"Attention, friends! I have created a... beautiful statue!" Peridot shouted, after a series of grunting and metal screeching. In front of her, out of the metal she had been collecting, stood a humanoid figure.

"Wha's 'at?" Amythest asks, words slurred a little, staring at it. Lapis looks around, drawn by the noise.

Peridot gasped, an offended expression on her face, before lifting her hands and warping the metal into a slightly less jagged face.

Amythest immediately recognized the hair, face palming. "Oh, it's you." She laughed, which just made Peridot glare more.

Out of the water rose a similar figure, but taller, with messy hair, in a long skirt. Lapis was sitting cross legged, smirking. She looked mischevious, yet barely amused.

Leave it to Lapis to make confusing facial expressions.

"Mine's better." She started to stand up, as the water clone kept forward, throwing back Peridot's doppleganger.

Peridot yelped, scowling at the ocean gem and her twin. The metal fighter stood up, charging the enemy. The liquid copy split into two, and Peridot's replica hurtled harmlessly through them, falling to the dirt.

The water twins came together again, striding over to their metal counterpart. They're arms stretched out, becoming thin, grasping the metal duplicate with water hands, quickly crackling and solidifying into ice.

Amythest cheered them on, whooping and hollering.

Lapis's solider picked up their archenemy by a toaster sticking out of them, tossing them into a distant pile, items scattering and clattering. Peridot's creation just came right back, as if pulled by a magnet. The water clone intercepted them, hands wrapping around their metal body with a loud crunch.

The ocean gem prepared her echo for the final blow, arm pulled back. The water froze, becoming stiff and hard, brittle, except at the joints. The hard, icy fist comes crashing at Peridot's likeness, as the actual chartreuse gem winced, closing her eyes.

Amythest's whip wrapped around the frozen waist of Lapis's fighter, smashing her into the ground, shattering it into pieces.

"Oh my stars! Amythest, that was awesome!" Peridot ran over, hugging the mini quartz, while Lapis started laughing maniacly, snorting and slowly walking over. They were all smiling, chuckling and blushing. 

"Hey! That was one on one, not for you to interfere!" Lapis was glowering slightly, but her eyes were smiling, amused.

"I'm a quartz, we're meant to fight. Couldn't help it!" Amethyst giggles, high and odd, but fitting to her. She turned around, walking to one of the piles. She starts rifling through it. Little noises of impatience come from here, and pain when a tire falls on her head. "Can one of you help me?

"Peridot, you do it." Lapis threw over her shoulder, walking over to check something out. The chartreuse gem groans, before dragging herself over. She makessure to add as much sass as possible to her walk, protesting her responsibility. 

"What invaluble needle are we trying to find, in our infinite, indentical haystacks." Sarcasm drips off Peridot as she eyes a dark, damp stain on the ground, fizzing slightly. She carefully steps over the fluid, gagging a bit.

"I's a book, like Pretty Hairstylist, but different. More sportsy. Athletes, you know?" Peridot, in fact, didn't know, but went with it despite that. Lapis turned around at the mention of her favorite manga. She started to slowly head to them, which inspired Amythest to dig faster.

"Come on, help me!" She stared at Peridot before going back to throwing items around while 'searching'. Peridot looked, repulsed at the putrid stack filled with fly buzzing food, and mice chewed books.

"....No."

"Have you got it yet?" Lapis glanced over there, away from a empty, hand made glass bottle covered in dust. 

"Soon!" Amythest ambitously replies, convinced and optimistic. The blue gem starts walking over, about one minute at the pace she's at, barely a crawl, stopping to look at various items.

Peridot spies a orange and pink book cover peeking from behind an empty cup, about a foot above her. She gets on her toes, stretching herself like rubber to reach the book. She just manages to grab it, pulling it, and causing an avalance of assorted junk tumbling down.

She falls onto her butt, unbruised but annoyed. She brushes of dust and a suspicous, sweet smelling, liquid.

"Ow." She mutters as Amethyst walks over to help her up.

"You okay?" The purple gem puuls her up, a little to hard and Peridot goes stumbling into her. Face burning, she nods, before glancing at an apathetic terraformer, who either didn't hear or, less likely, but possible, doesn't care. She reads the back if a soup can with fierce intensity.

Then, Amethyst tenses, nearly breaking her neck craning at Lapis, who has continued her stroll to them.

"Shit..." The quartz cusses, rushing past a befuddled Peridot.

"Amethyst?" She turns around, so her back faces an ever approaching Lapis, to look at Amethyst.

The purple gem is picking up an object, an ornate, antique mirror with a twusted handle, and a grove on the back. The glass is shattered, most of it gone. Jagged pieces stick to the stone, reflecting the cool tones of the room poorly.

Goddamn it.

No explanation is required, the only reason she would panic like this is if this is the mirror. Amethyst eyes flicker around.

"We need to hide this so she doesn't find..." Amethyst glances up, freezing at something.

"... Hi, Lapis?" Amethyst stutters. Peridot steps back, looking between the mirror and Lapis. Like sodium in water, this is going to get nasty.

"So I don't find wha-" Lapis nearly finishes before she spots the mirror in front of her. Her breath catches, and her arms fall to her side.

She blinks several times, slowly. Her fists clench, muscles tense, as she stares, emotionless at the mirror.

She lets out a dry chuckle, hollow and coarse.

"5,000 years in that hell, and I just realized..."

"I never saw it. Couldn't from the inside." 

She has a bitter sweet expression, a warm, small lift with her lips, but a cold, harsh glare with her eyes.

Her sigh is defeated, and she finally breaks her gaze, looking away from the mirror, at her feet.

"The worst part was being entirely alone, for millenia, trapped in your mind. Just me, for ... so long."

Peridot and Amethyst share a glance, a question, as Lapis brushes back some hair with her fingers.

Amythest steps up, items crunching under her feet.

"Before I was found, I lived in the Kindergarten. By myself. Just me and rocks..." 

She opens her mouth, about to say something before closing it. But her lips slip apart, barely enough to let her next words come out, gravelly and low.

"I know loneliness."

Amythest looks at Lapis, who slides down, into a sitting position, hands covering her eyes.

"But I couldn't imagine being trapped! At least I could move! Walk, talk, eat, run, I kept myself entertained. You couldn't.... You've been through so much worse. You desrve help so much more than I d-"

"Stop."

"... What?"

"Don't demean your pain. It isn't a competition of who is more fucked up."

"Lapis, you aren't fu-"

"Yes, I am, and so are you. Might as well stop lying to ourselves." The blue gem's voice is a sharp snap, quick and angry.

"But you've been through more."

"And?" It's Peridot's turn, as she gently squats in front of them, scared to fully sit on the floor.

"We've both been through hell, why does it matter?" 

They're both stubborn, but something in her gut keeps telling her she doesn't deserve their pity, anyones. She needs help, but doesn't want to be attention seeking.

She has two people here who have enough baggage themself to understand the difference though.

"What do you do when you feel you don't feel help is what you need? No, like help is what you deserve? Have you ever felt that?"

"After we stopped the Cluster... I felt terrible! Not only was I a traitor, but I defected after trying to kill the rebels, so I felt deserved both sides to execute me!"

"I had made so many mistakes, and I hurt you. And Steven, Garnet, ... Pearl especially. I felt like that."

"After I nearly drowned Steven, and hurt you, and what happend with Malachite... I thought I was an irredeemable monster. Still do."

" ... We're all pretty fucked up, aren't we?" The entire group roars with laughter at this, strangely, and soon they're laying down on mossy dirt, still giggling a bit.

They're all together, and that's what matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could've written this so much better, but I just wanna be done with it .... hhhhhhh.

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter is when all the TW come in, such as self hatred, mental illnessses, that sort of stuff. So if you can't read that, don't click onto the next chapter.
> 
> The second installment will start out as fluff, and then slowly degrade into panic attacks, and ranting about you mental health, as my normal day goes.


End file.
